How Should My Query Begin?
Jun. 17th, 2010 10:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
abracanabraIt's been brought to my attention that my 1st draft query has, er, a first paragraph sucks* problem.
[Poll #1579710]
Original:
Valinda only remembers life as a vicesteed, living in a theme park of depravity where her experiences are broadcast to a discerning audience. One of her scripted experiences goes wrong, leaving the other vicesteed severely injured. During the routine clinic visit afterwards, she overhears a plan to wipe out her memory--again. Using the augments she's been given to survive being a vicesteed, she breaks out and flees. She finds herself in an unfamiliar Victorian world where she must fight to find out who she was, who took away her memories, and what she really did in her role as a vicesteed.
Revision:
Valinda's only memories are of life as a vicesteed, living in a theme park that recreates the vices of decadent, evil Old Earth while her experiences are broadcast to an audience unknown to her. One of her scripted experiences goes wrong, leaving the other vicesteed dying at her feet. During the clinic visit afterwards, she overhears a plan to wipe out her memory--again. Using the augmented strength and speed she's been given, she breaks out and flees. She plunges forward into an unfamiliar Victorian world where she'll kick as much ass as necessary to find out who she was, who took away her memories, and what she really did in her role as a vicesteed.
Variant:
Valinda's only memories are of life as a vicesteed, a person who enacts dangerous or taboo scenarios and has their sensations transmitted to an unknown audience. She lives inside a theme park that recreates evil Old Earth in the 21st century, but she believes that this is how the world really is. At least, she does until one of her scripted experiences goes wrong, leaving the other vicesteed dying at her feet. [Then the same as the rewrite version.]
* Phil used other terminology. If you know Phil, you can probably guess what. He was not the only one commenting, he just said it most bluntly.
[Poll #1579710]
Original:
Valinda only remembers life as a vicesteed, living in a theme park of depravity where her experiences are broadcast to a discerning audience. One of her scripted experiences goes wrong, leaving the other vicesteed severely injured. During the routine clinic visit afterwards, she overhears a plan to wipe out her memory--again. Using the augments she's been given to survive being a vicesteed, she breaks out and flees. She finds herself in an unfamiliar Victorian world where she must fight to find out who she was, who took away her memories, and what she really did in her role as a vicesteed.
Revision:
Valinda's only memories are of life as a vicesteed, living in a theme park that recreates the vices of decadent, evil Old Earth while her experiences are broadcast to an audience unknown to her. One of her scripted experiences goes wrong, leaving the other vicesteed dying at her feet. During the clinic visit afterwards, she overhears a plan to wipe out her memory--again. Using the augmented strength and speed she's been given, she breaks out and flees. She plunges forward into an unfamiliar Victorian world where she'll kick as much ass as necessary to find out who she was, who took away her memories, and what she really did in her role as a vicesteed.
Variant:
Valinda's only memories are of life as a vicesteed, a person who enacts dangerous or taboo scenarios and has their sensations transmitted to an unknown audience. She lives inside a theme park that recreates evil Old Earth in the 21st century, but she believes that this is how the world really is. At least, she does until one of her scripted experiences goes wrong, leaving the other vicesteed dying at her feet. [Then the same as the rewrite version.]
* Phil used other terminology. If you know Phil, you can probably guess what. He was not the only one commenting, he just said it most bluntly.