I'm not sure exactly, on the 2nd or 3rd read I got it, but I don't know if you get that many chances with submissions.
Honestly, I just think you have too many concepts in one sentence. Maybe:
Valinda only remembers life as a vicesteed, where her experiences of forced depravity are broadcast to a discerning audience.
Is the theme park really important as thematic discriptor? I also agree with some of the other comments that said that "discerning" could be better defined. Mabye instead you could even say:
Valinda only remembers life as a vicesteed, where her experiences of forced depravity are broadcast to an appreciative clientel.
I don't know anything about your story, so I don't know if the "audience" are clients or just some random people who go in for that kind of thing and are willing to pay for it. So word usage should be adjusted accordingly.
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regna
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-17 09:21 pm (UTC)Honestly, I just think you have too many concepts in one sentence. Maybe:
Valinda only remembers life as a vicesteed, where her experiences of forced depravity are broadcast to a discerning audience.
Is the theme park really important as thematic discriptor? I also agree with some of the other comments that said that "discerning" could be better defined. Mabye instead you could even say:
Valinda only remembers life as a vicesteed, where her experiences of forced depravity are broadcast to an appreciative clientel.
I don't know anything about your story, so I don't know if the "audience" are clients or just some random people who go in for that kind of thing and are willing to pay for it. So word usage should be adjusted accordingly.